These People Need to Get Run Over by a Reindeer

Momservation: The Naughty List just isn’t good enough for these people.

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It’s been 37 years since Grandma first got run over by a reindeer, as sung by Elmo and Patsy in the now Christmas classic.

But you know what? I like Grandma. I think she deserves a better fate. I can think of a lot more people I’d rather see run over by a reindeer this Christmas than my dear, sweet grandma.

Below is my 2016 list of people who I wish would step in front of that sleigh this year instead of Grandma because I just want them to go away.

package-thiefPackage and Christmas decoration thieves. These are also the people who must kick puppies and take candy from babies. I hope when they get run over by a reindeer these real life Grinches take an antler right up the a**.



colin-kapColin Kaepernick. I have a hard time putting up with someone’s nonsense of kneeling during the national anthem as a protest (wrong forum, wrong strategy, lacking coherent reason, direct connection, or tangible goal) when they have NEVER VOTED OR REGISTERED TO VOTE! Colin, you soon to be NFL has-been, you haven’t earned the right to complain so shut up and sit down. Actually, better yet, stand up and get run over by a reindeer.


the-kardashiansThe Kardashians. Why are these people relevant? Why are we force-fed every little detail of their lives from all media sources? Have they cured cancer? Have they adopted all the animals out of shelters? Have they built hospitals in third world countries? No! So why do you think I even give a hangnail about any of them? The only thing I want to ever hear about these vapid over-makeup-ed people again is that they’ve been run over by a reindeer.


internet-trollInternet trolls. I dare you to say your vile, disgusting, insensitively cruel words to my face you hide-behind-your-fake-screen-name-pu**ies. But for you people—I bet even your own mother doesn’t like you—I just hope you get run over by a reindeer instead and save me the trouble of breaking a nail.


trumpDonald Trump. The list is just too long for why he should be the stand-in for Grandma, so let’s just go with the latest: Our president-elect thinks the CIA—the frontlines of our national security—is a bunch of lying hacks who don’t know what they’re doing. And daily security briefs? Waste of time. I’m going to knock myself unconscious soon with all the forehead slapping moments provided by this clown we will be calling president. Christmas can’t come soon enough for Santa to come in hot with those reindeer.


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