The Terrible Twos Never Looked So Good

Momservation: Nothing strikes panic in a mother’s heart like hearing her preteen ask, “Mom, when can I have a Facebook account?”

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How do I get these babies back?

In two days I’ll officially have two kids in middle school. It makes me want to throw up on my shoes with anxiety.

It makes potty training seem like a walk in the park.

It makes teething seem like a minor inconvenience.

It makes midnight feedings seem like a delightful alternative sleeping lifestyle.

I want my babies back.

Suddenly, I’ve got a kid dousing himself in Axe and another kid who needs to start shopping in the lingerie department.

I want diaper rash and Destin back!

We’re having battles over Twitter accounts, Facebook accounts, Instagram and Kik accounts – two preteens ready and willing to broadcast their perceived monumental lives to the masses, fringe friends and frenemies. Too immature and inexperienced to understand the consequences of bad decisions that go viral at lightning speed.

But what do I know? I have two kids that know everything.

I want my toddler back who says “No!” to everything.

Boys are texting my girl. Girls are texting my boy. They can’t tell me what the learned in English but they can tell me who’s going out with who and who just got suspended. Foul and inappropriate talk becomes as normal as ketchup on fries.

How do I go back to the days when “stupid” and “shut up” were bad words?

Girls will be rated as “hot,” boys will described as “yummy,” and my kids will be existing in a place where the student body morphs into walking hormones in Nike Free Runs.

I want the monotony of a hours spent at McDonald’s Playland back!

I know in my 11 year-old and almost 13 year olds’ near future will be dances, overnight field trips, boobies, holding hands, kissing when nobody’s looking, make-up, shaving, testing of boundaries and human anatomy exploration.

What just happened? I think I just fainted…

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