The Secret to Being a Lousy Housekeeper

Momservation: If God had meant for mothers to keep spotless houses He wouldn’t have created romance novels.

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I’m going to put it out there right now – my husband didn’t marry me for my domestic goddess skills.

Many days I think he truly regrets this.

I’d like to say I better fill the role of trophy wife, but considering I meet him at the door more often than not still in my stinky workout clothes, that’s not what keeps him coming home every night either.

Of course I think these are just small sacrifices to make in light of all my other (obviously?) redeeming qualities, but when everyone’s still out of underwear and socks, it’s Day 3 of Leftover Surprise, and the dog is frightened when the vacuum fires up because it is a strange and unfamiliar object to her, I have to admit I might need to step it up a little more than just snuggling up to Hubby and purring, “Remember…you love me!”

So, I’m willing to admit my short comings and try harder even though I think doing laundry is a mind-numbing process of futility and cleaning bathrooms just makes people bitter they got stuck with the job and breeds animosity toward the toilet dribblers and toothpaste spitters. Plus, I believe the satisfaction derived from cooking a healthy meal from scratch that hits all the major food groups for your family is way overrated. I get way more of a high walking into Jack’s Urban Eats.

It’s basically a known fact around here that everyone should be happy, or at least pretend to be happy with the passable job I do of keeping house lest they want the job handed over to them with a flipped bird salute.

My son came close to taking over the job the other day by announcing, “Mom it’s a good thing you don’t work for Merry Maids, because you don’t even like cleaning your own house.”

I thought he said: “…because you don’t even clean your own house.”

Once we got that clarified, I simply had to admit he had a valid point.

Shopping here and not just the grocery store makes messy houses disappear

So, what’s the secret to Hubby putting up with my less than stellar housekeeping skills?

We subscribe to my friend Kathy’s philosophy: I can be good at keeping things up in all rooms of the house or I can be good in one room of the house – the bedroom.

Guess which one he picked?


  1. Chase McFadden says:

    Vacuum frightening the dog. Love that.

    Housework. Eeeshh. Around here, it’s like trying to fill a strainer with sand while pushing a boulder uphill. We just stay outside as much as possible.

    Kathy has a terrific philosophy, although that’s sort of the reason we’re in the spot we’re in!

    • kellimwheeler says:

      True story about scaring the dog – it’s both funny and not funny.

      I like the stay outside plan – although the backyard is starting to look like Sanford and Sons w/ all the toys, pool toys, water balloon pieces, etc littered about.

      I knew Kick Ass Wife was my kind of people…

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