The Dog Ate my Halloween

Momservation: Nothing hits the panic button like finding your dog sitting in a circle of stuffing and your kids’ bedroom doors left open.

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Another one bites the dust


To date I have lost five foam pumpkins of varying size, two corn cobs, a scarecrow, the broom from a witch, and a wooden ghost from the sofa table is suspiciously missing.

I have a puppy.

That right there explains a lot. Parents of toddlers know how I feel. The words “puppy” and “toddler” are interchangeable when you’re referring to destruction.

Though it’s been years since I pulled the plastic covers from my outlets, restored sharp and breakable objects to normal heights, and returned my bottom drawer in the kitchen to glass pans from drumming utensils, I have need again to child-proof my house.

I have a puppy.

Unless you want your favorite stuffed animal disemboweled, your sacred blankie shredded, or your socks and shoes pirated to the backyard where they will become mulch, then you keep bedroom doors closed.

I have a puppy.

If you don’t want to be thoroughly disgusted by having to retrieve back half-swallowed wads of used Kleenex and other unmentionables stolen from the wastebasket, or be licked in the face after a slurp from an unflushed toilet, then keep the bathroom doors closed. Or flush.

I have a puppy.

Keep food off tables, counters and other low surfaces. Remove breakable objects from happy-tail height. Just accept that balls will be thrown in the house and you will have to scream “What did I tell you about that?!” (or something profanely similar) and anchor the furniture and lamps.

I have a puppy.

And if you are a giddy holiday decorator like myself, it might be best to keep favorite decorations put away until next year when you get past the impulse control, accept that you will downsizing your stock of holiday knickknacks, or lock the dog outside until you get through Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Hey, I have a puppy. It’s either that or she thinks her new name starts with F and ends in dog.


  1. mc6pack says:

    “Remove breakable objects from happy-tail height.” Love that line. Yeah, toddlers sound a lot like puppies. Can’t wait until we get through the slurping from unflushed toilets stage.

    Good luck with the puppy.


    • kellimwheeler says:

      Ha! Thanks Chase – This zone defense is killing me – the reason I had two kids was because I’m much better at man-to-man coverage. Good luck with your own zone defense and until you got your Troy Polamalu going keep the toilet seats down

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