Rolling Human Sexuality Class

Momservation: Many a human sexuality course have been lectured from the driver’s seat of a car with a captive audience in the back seat.

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I'd like to thank Kid Rock...

First I’d like to thank Kid Rock, Justin Timberlake, and Katy Perry. Without them and their provocative lyrics I would’ve never been able to simply drive to the store for bananas without getting an opportunity to educate my children about human sexuality.  

Who needs the tedium of formulating a shopping list when we could talk about trying different things, smoking funny things and making love to a favorite song?

Or about the importance of bringing sexy back and why a girl might kiss a girl and like it.

So thank you for not letting me shirk my duty and putting these important discussions off until the kids actually don’t believe in Santa or the Tooth Fairy anymore.

I’d also like to thank Nickelodeon, the Disney Channel and definitely TLC – I mean they are The Learning Channel after all.

And, boy, are my kids learning.

Learning that boys and girls should be preoccupied with the opposite sex, getting someone to like you and/or kiss should take priority over all else, and that having six kids at one time or 19 kids and counting is a great way to get on TV.

But most importantly, I’d like to thank my Ford Expedition. How else could I tackle the uncomfortable subjects of puberty, sex, and drugs without your seatbelts that restrain, doors that lock, steering wheel to grip, front and back seats for a buffer, rearview mirror for just the right visual contact, and for providing an opportunity to clarify all the crap modern society puts out there in the time it takes to go get gas and a car wash.

Wow, I hope I’m not forgetting to thank someone…

 Funny side note:

The other day when I was alone in the car with my 9 yr. old daughter, Whitney, I asked her, “So, is there anything you want to ask me, or maybe questions you have about things you and your friends might be talking about or don’t understand?”

Watching her in the rearview mirror as she carefully pondered the question, I gripped the steering wheel, reluctant but ready to provide her with whatever answers she may need for her expanding world.

Finally she spoke. “Yeah, Mom. I do. How many presidents have there been?”

That’s my baby girl.


  1. John Canale says:

    Well, I absolutely agree with the fact that Katy Perry, Kid Rock, and Justin Timberlake are perverting our sense of sexuality, from the way that God intended it to be, but I have to disagree on one point. Nickelodeon and TLC may be lagging in their duty to protect our youth (if that is what you meant) but I have to disagree on the Disney Channel. I think, (hear me out) that in many ways the Disney Channel has been a safe haven for children that don’t want to have to deal with the perverse Degrassi: The Next Generation shows on Nickelodeon and ALL that entails. Disney Channel has the Jonas Brothers (purity advocates), a plethora of different programs that may talk about crushing, boyfriends/girlfriends but it’s still very tame in comparison to many other “children” shows out there. I don’t know if you were being sarcastic in your statements of gratitude to them, but I honestly think the Disney Channel deserves genuine thanks for being the last stand for a society that is so quick to corrupt our children’s minds.

    • kellimwheeler says:

      Thanks John for your thoughts and, WOW!, hot off the press read!

      I always like to poke fun at Disney Channel as a gateway to growing my kids up too fast. If it were up to me, they’d still be lovin’ PBS. But, alas, they move onto Disney and before you know it they’re needing their fix of MTV and Jersey Shore.

      You’re right, Disney is tame. But they still shove finding love/boyfriend or girlfriend/romantic quandries upon my babies’ impressionable minds. Suite Life, Hannah Montana, Camp Rock, High School Musical, Jonas – it’s meant for pre-teen/teen but the reality is much of their audience includes much younger kids and it shouldn’t be all about getting the girl/boy.

      That said, I’d rather have my kids watch the Disney Channel over the bulk of cable programming. I mean if I can grow up on the Bad News Bears and Grease and turn out okay, my kids should be just fine w/ Disney.

      • John Canale says:

        No problem, it was an enjoyable and thought-provoking read. I have to say though, the fact that we are even having this conversation shows how far the media may be pushing the “getting the girl/boy” scenario into our living rooms in the first place.

        Perhaps block all shows except Handy Manny, Little Einsteins, Dora, Diego, Backyardigans? (These are the only shows my nieces and nephews watch, so we’re all trying to preserve their innocence in a bottle until 18, right? That may go a bit overboard, but parents, uncles, aunts, brothers, and sisters definitely have to be on the defensive against anything that comes through the TV. Happy Hunting (for corruptible tv shows), and best of luck!

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