Keeping the Fat Pants in the Closet

Momservation: Too bad nagging your kids doesn’t burn more calories.

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Dr. Oz shared the secret to losing 5 pounds in three days yesterday.

Turns out we’re all full of sh**.

Yes, that’s right, the good doctor said that if we go on this “detox”—which is code word for liquid diet made up of disgusting looking shakes with strange ingredients—we will lose five pounds in 3 day.

*Dramatic Pause*

Because you will be spending all your time on the toilet. Detox is also apparently code word for: stay near the bathroom.

Let’s just go ahead and say I’m not that desperate to lose five pounds. I’m also pretty comfortable letting my bowels work at their own preferred pace.

However, I wouldn’t mind shedding some LB’s before the upcoming holidays. It’d be nice to not have to bust out the fat pants I save for the gluttonous one-two punch of Thanksgiving and Christmas feasting.

So I’m going to share with you my five day plan for losing 3 pounds that doesn’t require excessive amounts of cramping and toilet paper. It works for me and it’s only two steps.



2)Pay attention to what you stick in your mouth.

That’s it. Works every time: Burn more calories than you take in. No kale, flax seed, coconut water, and magazines next to the toilet needed.

For me, it’s all about making good choices and saying “no” to bad decisions. Basically, having a little will power for a few days.


Getting in at least 30 minutes of accelerated heart rate exercise each weekday plus sit-ups—good. (Give yourself the weekend off as a reward—but don’t double reward with food.)

Choosing to skip the gym or running because my favorite workout shorts that don’t make my butt look too big are dirty—no.

Substituting my morning hot chocolate and bagel (sugar and carbs) for an egg and yogurt (proteins)—good. (Thanks Tilamook for your BOGO yogurt coupons—see side bar—in essence sponsoring this weight loss. Your yogurts have become my favorite go-to snack. LOVE the Light Marionberry and the Vanilla Bean.)

Finishing off the left-over lasagna loaf dinner for lunch because someone has to eat it before it goes bad—No.

Keeping stocked in protein snacks I enjoy and know I’ll eat, like Tilamook yogurt and pistachios—good.

Raiding the kids’ left-over Halloween candy and snacking on their Goldfish crackers—no.

Portion control at dinner, substituting brown rice for the bread I usually serve—good.

Going for seconds, drenching everything with Ranch dressing, and sopping it up with bread—no.

Not eating anything after 7:30 p.m., distracting myself with something that keeps my hands and brain busy, like Sudoku.

Distracting myself with Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream while watching TV in bed—no.

I may be literally filled with five pounds of sh**, but I’ll tell you my two-step plan works. With a little extra will power and commitment to burning more calories than I take it, I lost three pounds last week. I’m going for 3 more this week.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to stick with it, but honestly, I’m just looking to break even on the loss/gain over Thanksgiving week and keep the fat pants in the closet.

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