From the Erma Bombeck Rejection Pile: WHERE’S MY CHILD BEEN?

Momservation: Middle names were invented so mothers could effectively yell at their children.

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Well, it wasn’t a winner in the Erma Bombeck writing competition (AGAIN! Man, I can’t get that group to crack a smile) so I thought I’d see what you guys think of my entry for humor writing infamy:

Hello! And welcome to this edition of: Where’s My Child Been? The frustrating game of clutter and ignored requests played by nagging parents all over the world!369

A quick nod to our players in Holland with a shout-out to Greta who has tripped over wooden shoes left in the doorway for the 1000th time! We know where her child’s been!

Don’t forget our loyal players in France with a high five to Juliet for the brie and baguette left on the counter AGAIN! We know where your child’s been!

And a special “Hello” to our Summer Olympics host Rio de Janeiro! Our newest player, Salvador, continues to have sand from the porch to the bathroom no matter how many times he says, “Por favor! No mas playa en mi casa!” We know where your child’s been!

Where’s My Child Been? is not a new game—it’s been around for centuries! Mrs. Bonaparte yelled, “I know where Napoleon’s been!” before telling him for the 1000th time to pick up his toy soldiers from the middle of the foyer. Mrs. Wright played hundreds of games of Where’s My Child Been? before she got Orville and Wilbur to keep their kites and bicycles out of the den. And Mr. Cousteau stepped on his fair share of wet swim trunks and sea shells playing Where Has Jacque Been?

So are you ready to play? Rules are easy:whlb2

  1. Discover items discarded around the house despite repeated nagging of your children to pick up after themselves.
  2. If it’s a good day hold up discarded item and yell: “I know where (fill in child’s name)’s been!”
  3. On a bad day yell: “For the love of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph (fill in child’s entire name)! For the 1,000th time pick up these (insert item)! I’m not your personal assistant!” (Continued rant optional.)
  4. If the child is not home: cuss under your breath, mutter about nobody ever listening to you while picking up discarded items. Deposit arm full of personal possessions into middle of child’s bed (to be thrown on floor later for another chewing out at bedtime and a rant about forgetting to brush teeth for the 1000th time without being reminded).

That’s it! Good luck and remember to smile! It only gets more frustrating the older they get! For hours of fun there’s also Where’s My Child Been? Outdoor Edition and What’s That Smell? Car Edition.


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