Fantasy Valentines from Famous Hotties

Momservation: Locking the bedroom door means never having to explain “naked wrestling.”

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Friday is Valentine’s Day and unless I want to be yanked off the air like Bob Costas and his oozy red eye I am strictly forbidden from talking about my teenage children’s love lives.

It is tempting to mine the fertile grounds of junior high drama that is parenting blog gold. But I have taken the No Hypocrisy Oath of parents everywhere: First, do no harm.

So I’m steering away from that embarrassment minefield, instead poking fun at myself—because I know I’m just kidding and my life won’t be over.

Taking a cue from last Sunday’s Fox Trot comic, I’m going to create the Valentines of my dreams. Not that I’m not living the dream with Hubby. Being with him for nearly 25 years thankfully takes the angst out of Valentine’s Day—the torturous holiday for singles and unrequited love. But after so many years together Valentine’s Day becomes less about romance and more about convincing me to crack the cobwebs off the lingerie drawer.

Speaking of going to a place of fantasy (just kidding, Honey!), today, in honor of boosting our own self-esteem instead of hoping a Hallmark Holiday will do it for us, I’m going to pen Valentine sentiments from some famous hotties that I know they would write given the chance to know me. Here’s what I think my Valentines would look like:

Until I met you I never thought such youthful beauty and substance could be found in a woman in her forties. ~ George Clooney George Clooney

I would move Heaven and earth to protect you and I’d make sure to do it with my shirt off. ~ Chris Hemsworth

Chris Hemsworth

You make a gay man consider going straight. ~ Matt Bomer 

Matt Bomer

Such loyal support despite decades of heartbreak makes me want to win a Super Bowl for you. ~ Phillip Rivers

Phillip Rivers

To me you aren’t a cougar—you are the complete package who happens to be wrapped in a still rockin’ forty-three year-old body. ~ Zac Efron

Zac efron

For you I would cut my hair, trim my goatee, get rid of the back tat, and quit The Club—but I would still be your bad boy. ~ Charlie Hunam as Jax Teller

Charlie Hunnam

Let me whisper in your ear, “Once you go black you’ll never go back.” ~ Taye Diggs

Taye Diggs

Please forgive me for twerking with Miley. My life is empty now that your love is gone. ~ Robin Thicke

Robin Thicke


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