Eight Rules For Dating My Teenage Son

Momservation: He may tower over me, call me Mom in the voice of Darth Vader, and have limbs of muscle and hair, but all these mother’s eyes can see is a baby boy.

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Just like the Old Spice “Momsong” commercial sings: I didn’t see it coming. (Check out the commercial below—creepy but love the lyrics.)

One day you put your little boy to bed with him saying, “Don’t forget your hug and kissie!” and then the next night he hides under the covers because he doesn’t want a kiss at all. At least, not from his mother.

Shortly after that he will emerge like a butterfly from a very pungent cocoon in a cloud of body spray, bed head tamed with hair product, and underwear changed without being told.

And then the girls start texting and your little baby boy is being referred to as “hot.”

What hottie? I just see a baby boy...

What hottie? I just see a baby boy…

It’s enough to make a mother want to scream from the highest rooftops: “I did NOT give you permission to grow up!”

But I’m not delusional and I’m not blind. I can see the reaction girls have to him and he’s starting to notice it too. After seeing one social media post with a surreptitious picture posted of my son with the caption: My future husband, I quickly pulled my husband aside.

“Have you had THE TALK with him yet? Tell me you’ve had THE TALK with him! You can’t let him get to the front lines without a battle plan!”

So while Dad is taking care of the front lines I’m bringing up the rear flank—or at least trying to keep those booty-shorts wearing girls from using their rear flanks to get with my son. Here are the ground rules ladies:

Eight Rules for Dating My Teenage Son



  1. Grandpa says:

    As the loving Grandpa of the “hunk” being sought after in this article, I have Rule 9. Unless your grade point average is equal to or higher than his (not likely), take a hike.

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