Don’t Make Me Talk About Nocturnal Emissions!

Momservation: You can’t send kids to the frontlines of sexual development without a battle plan.

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talking birds and beesNothing says “captive audience” like a birds and the bees talk in a moving vehicle.

But the kids left me no choice. When I thought I saw an opportune time to broach the Facts of Life subject my kids would scatter in all directions like cockroaches when the light flicks on.

Looking for a little outside help I signed off on permission for my kids to watch the Family Life video at school (which must’ve been sponsored by Proctor and Gamble because it was essentially an infomercial for deodorant and feminine products).

Afterward I asked them, “How was the video? Do you have any questions? Anything you’d like to discuss?”

My kids, mortified I came within a general question of talking about normal bodily functions—not even the dreaded S-word—would quickly shoosh me with, “Fine. No. Nothing,” before climbing the walls to get away from me and any more questions.

Soon, I began using the S-E-X talk as a threat. “If you don’t get in here right now and clean this room I am going to talk to you about the Family Life video!” Instant clean room.

“If you don’t quit your bickering we’re going to have a serious discussion about where babies come from!” Peace and harmony once again reigned.

I even used it to get chores done without nagging. “Whoever unloads the dishwasher doesn’t have to talk to me about nocturnal emissions and menstrual cycles!” Kids fighting over cleaning the kitchen and even desperate offers to vacuum the house.

But the time finally came when I decided I couldn’t send them to the front lines without a battle plan. I tried to get my teenagers to come to me on their own by standing hard to my NO PG-13/R-Rated movies stance. “When you’re ready to have a frank discussion about sex with me, that’s when I’ll think you’re mature enough to see movies filled with inappropriate sexual content.” No takers, but a great way to avoid Adam Sandler movies.

It was a thirty-minute car ride when I finally seized the chance to educate and inform my daughter without her hope for escape. Interrupting our genial conversation I took a deep breath and said, “I know this is going to be uncomfortable, but I wouldn’t be a good mom if I didn’t talk to you about sex.”

I quickly reviewed all the major points, tried to dispel any misinformation, and threw out the term “something that happens between MATURE, COMMITTED, ADULTS” quite a bit.

When I finally turned my head to make the dreaded eye contact with her she only had one thing to say:

“Now can I see Bridesmaids?”

#TalkingToTeensAboutSex #RipTheBandAidOff


    • kellimwheeler says:

      For now you are safe talking about lightsabers that are actually lightsabers Chase. Soon you will talking about keeping light sabers in your pants, how to say no to someone wanting you to touch their lightsaber, keeping lightsabers sheathed, and that’s it’s perfectly normally to have light sabers go off by themselves….

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