Momservation: The best way to spoil a mother on Mother’s Day is to give her the day off from being Mom.
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Please don’t ask me that question.
The same one you ask me every year.
It may sound kind, considerate, and generous to your ears, but to mine it falls in the same category as these questions:
What’s for dinner?
Do I have any clean socks?
When are we going to eat?
Can you help me with this?
Where is my ________ (fill in the blank)?
So when you ask me:
What do you want for Mother’s Day?
What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
…it just sounds like another chore to add to my never ending list of things to do for people. Now I have to even plan my own Mother’s Day???
About 10 years ago I got tired of hearing What do you want to do for your birthday? or Where do you want to eat for your birthday?
I was like: “You know what? If I’m gonna plan my own stinkin’ birthday, then we’re really gonna knock this sh** out! None of this Chili’s or Olive Garden like it’s something special.”
My birthday has since consisted of events like going to Tahoe and spending a weekend at Embassy Suites with special attention given to their Hosted Evening Reception; Couples Dodge Ball; Bowling and Laser Tag; and my 40th birthday Scavenger Hunt (that has been gaining traction as a repin on Pinterest).
So, if I’m going to be planning my own Mother’s Day, let’s really make this good—reach for the brass ring. Feel free to choose anything from this list to spoil me my darling family (And feel free to not limit this to a one-day-a-year occasion):
A Mother’s Day Wish List
- Breakfast served in bed by a shirtless Chris Hemsworth.
- My car taken to be detailed, returned with a full tank of gas, and no evidence of children. Better yet, returned as a convertible BMW. Green please.
- Make arrangements so calories don’t count. Then serve up a dozen hot Krispy Kremes, a bucket of KFC, and a Ranch dressing fountain with bread, sweet potato fries, pizza, and sliders to dip in it.
- Do my 5k jog, 200 sit-ups, and 20 push-ups for me and have it so I still fit into my size 6 jeans.
- A pedicure and massage by Josh Duhamel.
- A day by the pool where I don’t have to apply sunscreen yet still tan without a burn, and the koozie around my six-pack abs has disappeared.
- I get to read a book cover-to-cover without guilt that I should be doing something more productive.
- I get to go to a non-PG-13 movie and get the jumbo popcorn, soda, and Junior Mints without having to share by divvying it out in cardboard carrying containers.
- I get 10,000 unique visitors to my website a month without needing to use the word “sex”, posting a picture with a bare breast, or having an opinion about something controversial.
- Coronas delivered to me by a shirtless Orlando Bloom while I watch the SF Giants beat the Dodgers and the San Diego Chargers beat anybody. Actually, make it a Vodka cranberry. Lime please.
Can I get an amen? I love all 10 of your fabulous Mother’s Day ideas. Chris, Josh, Orlando–any one of those fine young men will do. And I’m with you, don’t give me a chore by asking what I want to do on Mother’s Day!
See? You’re feelin’ me Janine!I think we also need to add that every “Mom!” be replaced with a “Dad!”