The Mommy Olympics

I’ve been in training for the Mommy Olympics for nearly a decade. That is if you count my pregnancy where I started competing in Stretch-Marks for Distance.


I really think this is my year to shine – that I’m peaking at the right time. All the hard work, dedication, and sacrifice I’ve put into motherhood is worth it if I can stand atop that podium as the Mothers All Around champion, Hannah Montana’s Best of Both Worlds being played for me, and my family’s deep adoration and respect finally shining in their eyes as they say, “Wow! She really is the best in the world!”


Plus, as the gold medalist, I’m really hoping to snag some endorsement deals from Target, General Mills, and Shout stain remover.


So here’s what I’ll be competing in:


The Clean and Press. I can get up to 10 loads a day with pool towels thrown in. Pretty impressive with only two kids.


Floor Exercise. A true exercise in patience making a fifth lap around the house to pick up more signs of children discarded on the floor.


50 Meter Sprint. I’m a little rusty on this event since I haven’t had to chase down a naked toddler for a tub in awhile.


House Chores Decathlon. A pick up the house start. A fast lap of dusting before moving to vacuum, sweep and then mop. All during is the triple-wash: sort and wash, fold, then put-away. There’s the prep for dinner and with the execution of a meal. Next is the kitchen clean-up that includes unloading the dishwasher and reloading. Finally, the most challenging events, the bathroom scrub and shine. I like to start with the harder full bath and finish with the easier half-bath.


(Blatant endorsement pitch alert) Since I switched to Clorox wipes, I’ve really lowered my time in the bathroom cleaning events.  


Bedtime Triathlon. Get the kids bathed, in their pajamas with brushed teeth, drinks and potty completed, and in bed and asleep before your favorite prime time show starts. Again, one of my weaker events.


Grocery Shopping Marathon. A test of endurance. Both what the family will endure in left-overs and suspect meals vs. seeing how far you can stretch your food supplies before enduring going to the store with kids in tow.


The father’s version of this event is sending him to the store with kids and very little training and seeing how many groceries he will get on the list before giving up and coming home.


Table Tennis. Get one child to set the table. Get one child to clear the table. Get them to do it without volleying complaints, moans and groans back and forth.


Mother/Wife Balance Beam. Be the mother the kids need and the wife your husband needs all while looking good and making it look easy. Deductions for faking a headache or buying hot lunch instead of making a lunch.


It sure is a good thing these Mommy Olympics comes around every four years because I just can’t be expected to perform these events at peak performance every year.


I think I am going to have to start my training now though for the Teenager Tight Rope Walk, and the Put the Hammer Down in the next Mommy Olympics. The kids have already started helping to stretch my patience with annoyed sighs, exaggerated eye-rolls and huffs of, “Geez Mom, why do I have to do it?”


I plan on sweeping those events.


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