Momservation: Not even an Olympic athlete can beat the strength and determination of a mother trying to make it through Target in record time with a potty-training toddler and breast-feeding infant in tow.
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Man, I’m missing me some alpine skiing and snowboard cross. I’m even missing Bob Costas’ goopy red eyes. I am not, however, missing Sandra Bezic’s color commentating on figure skating—so flowery and colorful I feel like a rainbow unicorn threw Skittles up all over.
For those of you, like me, who are missing the Winter Olympics and the sleep deprivation of staying up until 11:30 p.m. to see who won the gold (okay, I don’t really miss that part), and can’t wait two years until the Summer Olympics—I have a solution to your withdrawls:
The Mommy Olympics!
Why not, right?! What says strength, determination, sacrifice, endurance, and dedication like motherhood? Let’s get Bob and those puffy red eyes to give some commentary on that!
Let’s face it, I’ve been in training for the Mommy Olympics for over a decade, beginning with my pregnancy where I started competing in Stretch-Marks for Distance.
If there were Mommy Olympics, I really think this would be my year to shine—I’m peaking at the right time. With two teenagers in the house I’m feeling good about my medal chances in the Teenager Tight Rope Walk and Synchronized Social Media Restrictions.
All the hard work, dedication, and sacrifice I’ve put into motherhood is worth it if I can stand atop that podium as the Mothers All-Around champion, Frozen’s “Let It Go” being played for me, and my family’s deep adoration and respect finally shining in their eyes as they say, “Wow! She really is the best in the world!”
Plus, as the gold medalist, I’m really hoping to snag some endorsement deals from Target, General Mills, and Shout stain remover.
Here’s some of the events I envision competing in:
The Clean and Press. I can get up to 10 loads of laundry a day done with pool towels thrown in. Bonus points for getting folded clothes in drawers and not just sitting in the laundry basket as a pseudo dresser.
Floor Exercise. An exercise in patience and discipline not to yell and curse as you make a fifth lap around the house picking up everything the kids have randomly discarded. Difficulty level increases when kids return from school.
50 Meter Sprint. I’m a little rusty on this event since I haven’t had to chase down a naked toddler for a tub in awhile.
House Chores Decathlon. A pick up the house start. A fast lap of dusting before moving to vacuum, sweep and then mop. All during is the triple-wash: sort and wash, fold, then put-away. There’s the prep for dinner with the execution of a meal. Next is the kitchen clean-up that includes unloading the dishwasher and reloading. Finally, the most challenging events, the bathroom scrub and shine. I like to start with the harder full bath and finish with the easier half-bath.
(Blatant endorsement pitch alert): Since I switched to Clorox wipes, I’ve really lowered my time in the bathroom cleaning events.
(Bad pun alert): I plan on sweeping these events.
Bedtime Triathlon. Get the kids bathed, in their pajamas with brushed teeth, drinks and potty completed, and in bed and asleep before your favorite prime time show starts. Again, one of my weaker events.
Grocery Shopping Marathon. A test of endurance. Both what the family will endure in left-overs and unidentifiable freezer burned meals vs. seeing how far you can stretch your food supplies before enduring going to the store with kids in tow.
(The father’s version of this event is sending him to the store with kids and very little training and seeing how many groceries he will get on the list before giving up and coming home.)
Table Tennis. Get one child to set the table. Get one child to clear the table. Get them to do it without volleying complaints, moans, and groans back and forth. No chance for a gold if they fight over who does what or you have to threaten to send them to their rooms.
Mother/Wife Balance Beam. Be the mother the kids need and the wife your husband needs all while looking good and making it look easy. Deductions for faking a headache or buying hot lunch instead of making a lunch.