Momservation: Sometimes you have to go with shock and awe to get a good point across.
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It’s come down to this: You have 6 seconds to make an impression.
I guess I better get straight to the point.
The other day my nearly 13 year-old daughter told me she didn’t like watching the videos people posted on Instragram.
They’re too long.
“Wait,” I said. “Aren’t videos on Instagram only allowed to be like 25 seconds long?”
“No. Fifteen seconds.Vine’s are better.”
For those of you who had to look up what “twerking” was in the Urban Dictionary after last year’s MTV Video Music Awards, Vine is Twitter’s video-sharing app—the originators of keeping things brief on social media. You can be the director of your own mini-movie…as long as it’s not more than six seconds (which then plays in a continuous loop).
“Vines are ridiculous!” I said clearly showing my age and hecka unurbness. “They’re over before they even start! Six seconds isn’t enough time to tell a story! And then it just loops around making the same inane point.”
Of course, all I got to my commentary was the eye roll that said: You’re so out of touch, Mom. It’s time to apply for your AARP card.
Later, when I tried to regain some street cred with my teens, I tried to show my 14 year-old son a funny video on YouTube.
Before he’d even consider looking at it he asked, “How long is it?”
Not “What is it?” Not “Is it funny?” Not, “Is it inappropriate?”(Wait—that’s usually my first question.) “Three minutes and forty-seven seconds,” I told him already knowing it would be a deal-breaker.
“Geez! What is it? The Titanic movie or something?”
Yes. Because to a teenage boy a three and a half minute video is like watching three hours of a water-logged Leonardo DiCaprio.
“It’s another NFL Bad Lip Reading,” I said clearly hurt that he couldn’t spare three minutes of his time to laugh at something I knew he’d enjoy with his mother.
“Fine,” he shrugged finally putting down his phone to come over to the computer.
“You know what? No. I don’t want to show it to you anymore,” I said clearly not acting my age. When my daughter walked in the room I let loose with both petulant barrels.
“You know what? You and your ‘hecka urb’ friends have become a six second nation! You all have the attention span of an amoeba splitting in half because it’s already bored with itself! Microwave popcorn ready in two and a half minutes isn’t good enough for you anymore—gotta have your Boom Chicka Pop already popped and ready to rip open! Want to watch a sunset? Nope. Takes too long. Lying on your back watching the stars? Who’s got time for that?! Let’s watch Nicholas Megalis Vines and really have a rip-roaring 6-second time!”
My kids stood frozen in the face of my rant only moving their eyes toward each other to communicate that Mom had lost it. Finally, my daughter said under her breath, “Wow. Who peed in her Cheerios?”
In my ongoing battle with my teenage daughter over who gets to have the last word, I made my last and final point as I shut off the computer and walked out of the room.
“Trust me on this kids—it will serve you well one day. You’re going to want to get over this trend of short attention spans and instant gratification. Because you can’t have good sex in six seconds.
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