Rounding the Bases — Literally and Figuratively

Momservation: Only a father holds the answer to the question: At what point does a boy look at a boob and decide, I think I’d like to give that a squeeze?

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Okay, I’ve been putting off writing about this until I could figure out a way of keeping the pervs off my website. But there’s just no way around it and this story is too good not to tell. So for all you sickos who just landed here for a cheap thrill: just keep moving to the Kardashians’ website…

We Wheelers are big fans of the San Francisco Giants. We loved Buster Posey the second we heard someone would dub their kid “Buster” — it was a bonus that he turned out to be a damn fine ball player. We even call our son, a skilled catcher and power hitter, Mini BP.

image courtesy of Men's Health

image courtesy of Men’s Health

So when I’m at the dentist office and see Buster Posey on the cover of April’s Men’s Health, I eagerly flip to the article called “The Naturals” about young baseball players making MLB history.

It’s an inspirational story complete with cutie-patootie pics of our boy Buster, but I didn’t get a chance to finish it before being called in to Dr. Endo (GREAT dentist for you Sacramento area peeps).

I make a plan to swing by a newsstand to get a copy of the magazine, eager to share it with Mini BP. Just starting his baseball season, I want him to read “The Posey Principles” among other interesting pointers and facts. Plus, since he’s not a big fan of reading, I’m hoping this kind of reading will jump-start his interest. I’m already anticipating being The Cool Mom for bringing this home for him.

So I grab the Men’s Health and I’m flipping through it while waiting to check out. I’m thinking I need to buy this mag more often for all the yummy men staring back at me from all the name brand ads when I get to the article. (Men and women’s mags have it backwards—put the hot guy ads in WOMEN’S magazines and send the impossibly skinny pouty lipped gals to the men!)

As I turn the last page of the article thinking Mini BP’s gonna love the profiles on Mike Trout and Bryce Harper too, I gasp.

Provocative woman with F-me eyes and perfect perky boob hanging out staring back at me with the title: “The 5 Senses of Sex.” The “5” is strategically placed over her nipple.Men's Health

I can’t give this to Mini BP!! He’s only 13! And a really immature 13! I don’t want to be the one to introduce him to the five senses of sex and bedroom eyes and naked breasts!

I go to put the magazine back, but I’m like, “Shoot. The Buster profile is a REALLY good article though. So I decide I’ll just rip The 5 Senses of Sex out. But darn, then Mini BP won’t get to read the profile on Bryce Harper.

Disappointed I go to put the magazine back. Then I get another idea. I’ll staple the pages shut to The Five Senses of Sex complete with Playboy worthy photos!

Even as I purchase the Men’s Health mag with my plan in place, I know that nothing says “Hey! Someone doesn’t want you to see this! Better take a peek!” like pages stapled together in the middle of a magazine.

But I do it anyway hoping my little rule follower can resist the temptation. As extra insurance I try to make it hard for him to sneak a peek through the staples without evidence of ripped pages by putting about a million staples around the edges of the five pages.

Before Mini BP gets home from school I call Hubby at work to tell him about the stupid article that threatened to ruin my Cool Mom moment.

“Let ME see it before you staple it!” he says a little too eagerly.

“Too late,” I tell my grown adolescent before hanging up.

Later, when I excitedly present the magazine to Mini BP and tell him I think he’ll really like the article on his main-man Posey, he throws me a thanks before telling me he’ll read it later and rushes out the door to go play Man Tracker (hide-and-go-seek with a cooler name).

For the next few days I keep reminding Mini BP about the article, but I can see that an article about one of his favorite players is no match for watching them live on CSN Bay Area with Kruk and Kuip.

And as they days pass, I become uneasy again about the temptation of the stapled pages and what they’ll reveal, and decide it’s probably for the best if Mini BP wasn’t interested in reading The Naturals.

Then…the magazine disappears from where it’s been languishing on the homework desk. I panic. Did he finally read the article? Did he unstaple the pages? Is the magazine under his mattress and will I find it there with some old Playboys?

I frantically search the house. I’m relieved when I don’t find it in Mini BP’s room or under his mattress. But now I’m worried where he did stash it, certain my son who had shown more interest in ball sports than girls is now seeing how he can stimulate his five senses with the opposite sex.

Oh, I am SO not the Cool Mom! I wasn’t the one who was supposed to teach him about rounding the bases!

And then I find the magazine. Its pages carefully unstapled so as not to rip its precious contents…

…in Hubby’s nightstand drawer.

Explains the bedroom eyes last night…damn good article, BTW.

4 comments

  1. Sarah says:

    Just a thought – next time go onto the magazine’s web site and see if you can print the article you want to show your son so you avoid such anxiety. Great story!

    • kellimwheeler says:

      Good idea – but I just checked and I would’ve had to buy a subscription just to see that article. Guess I could’ve copied it – but my original plan was attracting him to reading with a cool magazine. He would’ve been attracted all right!

      Thanks for the input Sarah! Enjoy the journey…

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