I Was Elizabeth Banks in “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”

Momservation: After nine months of pregnancy the first thing a new mom wants to do is eat hot dogs and sushi in a hot tub and wash it down with a cold beer or glass of wine.

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With Mother’s Day coming up one of the things I am thankful for is that I only had to put in 18 months for a lifetime of the two fabulous kids I have.

I feel especially fortunate for that because I could not have done it a third time no matter how fantastic a kid I could’ve had. I could’ve been promised the genetic lottery of a Beyonce/Tom Brady/Hillary Clinton/Zac Ephron/Maria Shriver hybrid and I still would’ve said, “Thanks, but even if I got to keep the pregnancy boobs, I’m out.”

Some women enjoy pregnancy. I did not.

That’s why I’m looking forward to going to see the movie, What to Expect When You’re Expecting. I was the Elizabeth Banks character who cries, “Pregnancy sucks. Making a human being is really hard.”

I was a swollen-ankled, huge and uncomfortable, overly emotional, favorite food and drink deprived, hot mess wearing dresses like a circus tent. And especially with the first pregnancy, I was scared to death at my alien transformation.

That’s why the book, WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING, became my bible. No matter where I went, it was within arm’s reach, promising to see me through each swollen-ankled step to the finish line. That and THE GIRLFRIEND’S GUIDE TO PREGNANCY, assured me I wasn’t going to be a horrible mother because I just wanted my baby to quit doing it’s cute little hiccups in my stomach already so I could just get some sleep.

In the WTEWYE book, I was especially thankful for the break down each month of “What You May Be Wondering About”. They were questions you were too embarrassed to ask your doctor, with answers that gave you relief that you were a normal, grumpy, fat bit** cooking up a human being. Like:

Another Reason for Being Tired, Moody and Constipated

Sex Through the Trimesters and Cramp After Orgasm

Unwanted Advice and Unwanted Belly Touching

Pregnant Women are Delicious

Handling It All

I also didn’t know whether to laugh or cry that the further you got in your pregnancy the more the “What You May Be Wondering About” sounded like a torture list from Guantanamo Bay detention camp:

Numbness In Hands

Leg Cramps

Hemorrhoids

Accidental Falls

Strange Skin Bumps

Shortness of Breath

Lack of Bladder Control

Leaky Breasts

So now that I’m over a decade removed from the baby making battle that left me with permanent stretch marks resembling the face of Cornel Sanders, I’m ready to laugh about it all. I’m ready to see myself as Elizabeth Banks in the WTEWYE movie and feel validated that not every pregnant woman can do it as beautifully as Jennifer Lopez.

Although my kids came out way cuter. ☺

5 comments

    • kellimwheeler says:

      Yeah, it might still be a little fresh/touchy after only 2 years – by then I had a 2 yr old and 6 month old and there was not a lot of laughing going on then. Although the daddy playgroup scenes in the movie look classic, might be worth going to laugh at them and feel superior – Here’s that trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdNxmNGJ364

      Thanks for stopping by! Enjoy the journey…

  1. Marie Ciccarone Casias says:

    This post is hilarious, and you just made my day. I’m 26 weeks pregnant and feeling horribly, horribly GUILTY for the fact that this pregnancy hasn’t involved me leaping out of bed each day with a song in my heart and a spring in my step. But Banks has it right – pregnancy sucks! How any woman does this more than once is mystifying to me. Glad to see I’m not the only one groaning instead of glowing!

    • kellimwheeler says:

      Oh, yay! You have to find something to laugh about between all the food aversions, swollen ankles, and not being able to sleep on your back anymore. Thank goodness it’s only 40 weeks for a lifetime of feeling like your heart will explode with love every time you look at your kid (okay, maybe not during 3 a.m. feedings and the teenage years, but most of the time 😉 ). Thanks for taking the time to comment Marie and good luck with the next 14 weeks – let’s pretend it gets better.
      Enjoy the journey!

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