Momservation: After nine months of pregnancy the first thing a new mom wants to do is eat hot dogs and sushi in a hot tub and wash it down with a cold beer or glass of wine.
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With Mother’s Day coming up one of the things I am thankful for is that I only had to put in 18 months for a lifetime of the two fabulous kids I have.
I feel especially fortunate for that because I could not have done it a third time no matter how fantastic a kid I could’ve had. I could’ve been promised the genetic lottery of a Beyonce/Tom Brady/Hillary Clinton/Zac Ephron/Maria Shriver hybrid and I still would’ve said, “Thanks, but even if I got to keep the pregnancy boobs, I’m out.”
Some women enjoy pregnancy. I did not.
That’s why I’m looking forward to going to see the movie, What to Expect When You’re Expecting. I was the Elizabeth Banks character who cries, “Pregnancy sucks. Making a human being is really hard.”
I was a swollen-ankled, huge and uncomfortable, overly emotional, favorite food and drink deprived, hot mess wearing dresses like a circus tent. And especially with the first pregnancy, I was scared to death at my alien transformation.
That’s why the book, WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING, became my bible. No matter where I went, it was within arm’s reach, promising to see me through each swollen-ankled step to the finish line. That and THE GIRLFRIEND’S GUIDE TO PREGNANCY, assured me I wasn’t going to be a horrible mother because I just wanted my baby to quit doing it’s cute little hiccups in my stomach already so I could just get some sleep.
In the WTEWYE book, I was especially thankful for the break down each month of “What You May Be Wondering About”. They were questions you were too embarrassed to ask your doctor, with answers that gave you relief that you were a normal, grumpy, fat bit** cooking up a human being. Like:
Another Reason for Being Tired, Moody and Constipated
Sex Through the Trimesters and Cramp After Orgasm
Unwanted Advice and Unwanted Belly Touching
Pregnant Women are Delicious
Handling It All
I also didn’t know whether to laugh or cry that the further you got in your pregnancy the more the “What You May Be Wondering About” sounded like a torture list from Guantanamo Bay detention camp:
Numbness In Hands
Strange Skin Bumps
Shortness of Breath
Lack of Bladder Control
So now that I’m over a decade removed from the baby making battle that left me with permanent stretch marks resembling the face of Cornel Sanders, I’m ready to laugh about it all. I’m ready to see myself as Elizabeth Banks in the WTEWYE movie and feel validated that not every pregnant woman can do it as beautifully as Jennifer Lopez.
Although my kids came out way cuter. ☺